Confession: I Have Rage Blackouts

My boss and I had a meeting in downtown Springfield last week. We decided to take one car to save gas, and she said she hoped I didn't mind her dogmobile. She has two large, shedding dogs. Actually, I mind. I wore all black that day and since I love dogs but not dog fur (it's so nice having a dog that doesn't shed), I offered to drive. Big mistake.

If you've ever driven in any city, you know how it is. We were running late, so I was white-knuckled and nodding and "mmmhmmm"-ing as she talked, hoping she wouldn't notice my building frustration with idiot drivers. Finally, my rage took over and I shouted, "Get out of the way, you idiot!" At least I said idiot instead of something else. I turned to her and confessed, "Um, I might have road rage." She is a hilarious person, so she just laughed. But I realized my road rage is getting out of control. A lot of people with Graves disease refer to their Graves rage. I think it's a real thing. Combine that with being a certified Masshole, and I'm a force to be reckoned with behind the wheel.

My brother and I went to a free yoga class two weeks ago. Afterward, some horrible driver in front of me was going about 20mph in a 35mph zone. I yelled at him (as if he could hear) and my brother said, "So much for the yoga." I quickly defended myself and said, "I'd be calm if it he wasn't driving like that." In some ways, that was true. I am not a psycho walker or a crazy treadmill user or stressed out shopper. Yes, dumb people annoy me, but living in the South for almost five years taught me that if you're in a rush, you're out of luck. I learned to go to the grocery store when I had two hours to kill and to go workout when I felt like walking across the gym 15 times because people were not using the circuits the way they are supposed to. So, I feel like I've learned patience. Learned, not mastered. But when it comes to driving, I have none.

I keep promising an explanation as to why I don't have a thyroid. I'll get there eventually. Long story short: I have Graves disease. It's hereditary, but no one on either side of my family has any history of thyroid disease. Well, things have to start somewhere, and it's thought that the people who develop Graves are Type A, high-strung, and experiencing some extreme, acute stress. I was diagnosed in February 2010, after nine months of a job I absolutely despised that caused me to question my place on earth regularly (I wasn't suicidal, but I hated my life because of my job). I was so sick at first that I was banned from exercise because instead of burning fat, my body was burning muscle and guess what the biggest muscle is? I wasn't really pining for a heart attack at 25. My doctor said I could do gentle yoga and walk Rags, but nothing more. After being a competitive athlete my whole life, I laughed at him. Yoga? Hippies and incense? Pshhh...

Fast forward two years, and I have been infatuated with yoga off-and-on since then. I never got into a routine. My work and volunteer schedule was always too busy and sporadic to commit. In fact, I can't commit to anything. But last night, I made a commitment to be at the yoga studio every Tuesday night for the next five weeks for 75-minute classes. It was a proud moment for me, because I wouldn't even commit to a job (like, I wouldn't sign a contract for a job that demanded I work there until a certain date) let alone a yoga class. Afterward, the instructor came up to me and asked my story. She said she was so glad to have me there. Has she driven behind/in front of/next to me? How does she know how badly I need yoga in my life? I almost had a rage blackout when she asked the class to give a word or two about why they decided to take the course. At first, people said things like, "Peace" or "I need to slow down." But then people started going off on tangents about their personal lives and whatnot. I stared at the ceiling and eventually closed my eyes and breathed deeply, and ignored Susie Jo's story three-minute story about why she likes yoga. When she was done, I smiled and finally the class started. See? I'm learning!