First post-surgery bummer

With nothing but positive comments from my friends, family, and other people who knew how bad my eyes were before my orbital decompression and even still before my eyelid lowering surgery, today was my first reality check that my eyes will never be exactly as they were before Graves'.

A guy at work, who rarely talks to anyone, said, "You always have this look of surprise. Like you're thinking, 'I didn't just see that, did I?'"

Little does he know, my heart just broke a little and it's more like, "I didn't just HEAR that, did I?"

Guess I need to consider that follow-up surgery after all...

New Eyes, New Job, New City, New Life

Thanks to my best friend for the title above. I texted her that everything was happening so fast and she responded the way she always does - with positivity. Amen.

My surgeon was able to rearrange his schedule (i.e., postpone someone else's surgery) and fit me in on July 2. The surgery is - AGAIN DANG IT - an afternoon surgery, which means no food after midnight  until after the surgery. That's a long time without food or water. My surgery is at 12:45 p.m. but I have to be at the hospital at 11:15 a.m. Last surgery, I spent the morning baking four dozen pumpkin muffins so the family and I at least had breakfast for the next week. Unfortunately I was too sick to enjoy them before they went bad, but it kept me busy that morning instead of thinking about how hungry I was. You'd think it made my hunger worse but for me, baking isn't about eating. It's about the process.

So anyway, July 2 is perfect. It's a Tuesday. I can work in the morning. I'm told I can probably work the next day, but the president of the college is so awesome that she is letting us all go home at 1 p.m. on Wednesday, July 3. Obviously July 4 is a holiday, and since half of the employees are probably already planning to take Friday off, she's decided to close to college and let us have a nice long weekend. A four-and-a-half day weekend, to be exact. I was going to request Friday off since Saturday is the bridal shower, but now I don't have to.

Yes, I will be bruised and swollen for Julia's shower which is exactly what I was trying to avoid - we have almost no good pictures together from the last year - but it's an excuse to buy enormous Jackie O sunglasses instead of my usual fake Ray-Bans. And hopefully by then I won't need any more percocet and enjoy plenty of sangria.

*Update: I got this great response from a woman in my online Graves' support group.
Hi!  Congratulations on your new job!  In my experience, eyelid retraction repair recovery was a piece of cake compared to OD recovery.  I only had light sedation and local anesthetic during the procedure because they needed me to be able to sit up and open my eyes to help them gauge the correct height of the lids. 30 minutes after the procedure I was completely coherent and able to walk out of the hospital.  I had some mild pain that day, but by the next day was completely pain free and able to pretty much go about my normal routine-Of course with big dark glasses on when I left the house! If I remember correctly there was no bending below the waist or lifting anything heavy for the first week. I was using ice packs frequently and the majority of the swelling and bruising went away in 4 or 5 days. I would say it took a full 10 days for all of the bruising to diminish.  I think you will still be able to throw your friend a fabulous shower, you may just need a little extra make up and to wear glasses depending on the level of bruising you still have.I'm so glad you will be able to put TED behind you soon!  I'm sure everything will go great with your surgery!  Let us know.

Surgery #2 is a Go

It's just five days shy of the nine month mark since my bilateral orbital decompression and today I saw my surgeon to discuss the next step: lowering my upper eyelids. Most people with moderate to severe thyroid eye disease (mine was moderate) need one to three surgeries to correct the damage, which takes anywhere from one to two years to fully flare up and fully calm down. I got lucky in that mine only flared for a few months and I was able to have surgery #1 this past September. Had I woken up with double vision, it would've meant six months on disability, unable to drive or work until I was recovered enough for surgery #2 - strabismus surgery to correct the double vision. Praise cheez-its, I woke up with single vision and have no complications from surgery #1 aside from the numbness on my right cheek. That's where surgeon #1 (oculofacial surgeon/Dr. C) spent the bulk of the three-hour surgery digging around to create more room for my right eye. Aside from that, I feel great.

So today I was cleared for surgery #2 (or #3 for those unlucky ones who develop double vision) - eyelid lowering, or mullerectomy. Because my eyes bulged out so much for so long, my upper eyelids have permanently retracted. So although my eyeballs no longer bulge thanks to a successful surgery #1, my upper eyelids are stuck up there and so I always look surprised.

This surgery is not cosmetic, and there are no out-of-pocket costs to me. Except my deductible. Unfortunately, because my thyroid was so unstable this past year, I had to wait longer than expected for surgery #2 and my health insurance plan restarts July 1, meaning I will be on the hook for the first $1,000. My orbital decompression was in the $20,000 neighborhood and I paid not a dime since I met last year's deductible on exactly July 7 when I had a $5,000 MRI of my orbit (head/eye area) in preparation for surgery #1.

Here's the snafu: my last day of work is July 10. My current health insurance plan will be canceled at 11:59 p.m. that night. My new insurance won't pick up until my first day of work, July 15 and even when it does, it's only going to cover physicians out in the Boston area. My surgeon has a colleague he recommends out there, but Dr. C has been so great. I started seeing him in March 2012 and literally put my life in his hands back in September with this major surgery that could have left me cross-eyed or blind. I want him to perform surgery #2. He agrees.

So, his surgical coordinator is going to see if there's any way to fit me in between now and my last day on the books at my current job. I have plenty of sick time left (a week and and some change) so that's not an issue. I mean, I really don't want to miss much work since I only have another three weeks left but I have to do what's best for me.

The procedure and recovery will be much less invasive and involved than surgery #1 was, but Dr. C cautioned me that I will probably look just at bruised and battered due to my fair skin and ease of bruising. We even discussed my crazy Niacin reactions and he said it's totally normal for someone as fair as me to continue to have the sunburn-like reaction after two+ months on the drug.

There's a very good possibility I will show up to my first day of work in sunglasses, and not want to take them off. However, my first day is actually orientation and is for every new hospital employee, resident, intern, etc. So the physicians will probably love asking about my stitches and bruises. Tuesday is my actual first day of work, and I wasn't going to tell them anything about Graves' until I had to, and it's looking like I'm going to have to. A warning email the day before might be in order so they don't think I got mugged on the T on my way into the office. Or should I go with that story...?

Anyway, I'm really hoping I can schedule the surgery for my last week of work so I don't have to show up to the bridal shower I'm hosting with a swollen face and sunglasses even if it rains and we move inside. However, I have been waiting for surgery #2 for about eight-and-a-half months so whenever they can make time for me, I'll take it. As long as I'm able to get everything ready the days before and set up that morning, and can enjoy myself, I really don't care about being bruised and swollen.

In case the surgery is scheduled sooner, I'm started my surgery prep today, which basically just means eating healthy, exercising a little extra, and no ibuprofen. You're supposed to stop ibuprofen, aspirin, or any other blood thinners 10 days before surgery. I don't take the latter two, so I'm good. I decided last week I wasn't drinking this week because I had been having a glass or two every night with dinner and then sleeping like crap when normally I sleep like a baby. I'm sure new job stress/anxiety has more to do with it than anything, but I also wanted to save that $20 instead of spending it on wine, so alas I am wine-free this week and might as well continue until after the surgery.

By the way, Twiggy over at Quarterlife Ramblings had her eyelids lowered back in April and everything went swimmingly. I think she said it best when she said, "I no longer look like I've permanently seen a ghost."

Oh, and I totally said I was going to exercise extra starting today but I have been so dang tired lately (thanks Bruins) so it's bedtime. I'll start tomorrow.

Go Away, 2012

2012 was a long, difficult year for me. The year started off exciting. I rang in the new year with my best friend of 14 years, not knowing how much reconnecting we'd get to do over the next 12 months. As soon as I got back to Florida, I started interviewing for what would become my current job. I was offered the job on January 24, and accepted it right away. I was actually shaking when I walked into my boss' office near the end of the workday. I asked if he had a minute, and when I shut the door, I saw the panic on his face.

Everyone at work knew my family and (most of my) friends were here in New England, but I was very quiet about looking for a job as people usually are. Not that I every worried my employment was in danger, but I wanted to be respectful of my current employer. I miss that job every day. I don't necessarily miss all the people, but some, and I really miss almost everything about the job except for the fact that it was 1,500 miles from where I am supposed to be. I cried when I left my office for the last time, but I really had no idea at the time how much I would come to miss it.

Within two weeks (actually 13 days) of giving my notice, I was on the road with my dad, Rags, and whatever we could fit in every possible inch of my Corolla. We made it home in record time - leaving around 6 a.m. on a Wednesday and pulling into my driveway around 2 p.m. the next day.

Work was challenging at first - and I don't mean the tasks. I didn't tell anyone at my job in Florida, but I was only offered a part-time job at first. I was told it was because the last person didn't work out and they wanted to make sure I'd be a good fit before making me full time. It turns out that wasn't 100% accurate, and in order to become a full-time employee, I had to agree to basically do two separate jobs. Fortunately I still have only one boss and one office and one desk, but the second half of my job is not at all what I expected. The point is that I have a job, health insurance, lovely co-workers and OK colleagues, a roof over my head and gas in my tank.

My health was a whole other issue. I didn't have insurance at first - well I did, but it was a state-sponsored plan for people who only get paid so much (which I qualified for as part time). So I skipped three months of endocrinologist appointments. Big mistake when you have been going every six weeks for the last two years. When I finally went, my levels were all over the place and still continue to be to this day. But then I got to meet Dr. C who would later perform the most important surgery of my life (to date - hopefully the last major one ever) and get me one giant step closer to my old self.

So as I ring in 2013, I am one year older but a million times better than I was 365 days ago. And for that, I am thankful every single day.

Imperfection

I saw Dr. S (ENT surgeon) last week. He officially discharged me as a patient since my nose innards have healed and I have no residual sinus symptoms. Just like Dr. C, he was very pleased with the progress. The last time I saw him was the morning I was going back to work for the first time in two weeks, and I was still pretty bruised and swollen.

The idea of the perfect face has long been defined as one with perfect symmetry. Well, below is proof that I have nothing close to a perfect face, but that I am still swollen on the right side of my face despite what other people try to tell me. It also confirms my suspicion that my left eye is a little too close to my nose than I would like, but there's no going back now. It took a while for me to notice this become of the swelling and bruising, but now I can't help thinking I look cross-eyed occasionally.

I realize my imperfect posture makes one shoulder look massively larger than the other, but get over it.

On an unrelated note, Thanksgiving was nice. Uneventful, but nice. It was my first Thanksgiving with my mom, brother, or anyone on my mom's side since 2006. The food was delicious, my pumpkin pie fudge was a hit, and it was fun playing with my cousin's twin 3-year-olds and catching up with the rest of the family. I was so tired that I went to bed around 8 that night and woke up right around midnight and could not fall back asleep. I almost got up and went to the mall, but then I remembered I hate crowds and the idea of starting Black Friday deals before dawn, so I read until I fell back asleep.

Stupidly, I had scheduled a contact re-fitting at Target Optical at 11:30 on Friday morning. Fortunately, the parking lot was less crowded than I expected and no one was in the optical department. I finally got daily contacts since my two-week contacts weren't even lasting me a week. I guess the dryness and grittiness is a residual effect of the surgery and has a lot to do with the fact that my eyelids don't close at tightly anymore (another reason for the second surgery next year), so my wallet is unhappy but my eyes are thrilled with daily contacts (Acuvue 1-Day Moist, to be exact).

Juls and I had already done plenty of shopping on Wednesday, so Friday we got our nails done and walked around the mall but didn't buy anything. I spent the rest of the day relaxing, baking pretzel bread, and reading. I literally fell into bed at one point, and my elbow landed square on the screen of my Kindle. Needless to say, I no longer have a working Kindle. I wasn't planning on asking for anything big for Christmas (yes, my family still goes bananas with gifts), but I guess I can finally get the white Kindle keyboard I always wanted...? The one I broke was actually my mom's, but she didn't have wireless internet at the time and this Kindle was wifi-only, so I bought a 3G one and we "traded." It lasted a little more than a year, which meant it had a good run but was just out of warranty. I found a company online willing to give me $15 for it. Better than nothing, right?

I will leave you with this amazeballs photo I took of the moon last night. I'm doing the Fat Mum Slim Photo A Day Challenge, and yesterday's was "sky." When I remembered around 9 p.m. that I still hadn't taken a photo, I knew it was too late to try and capture anything decent with my iPhone's camera so I brought my Nikon Coolpix L810 outside on the tripod and used the ridiculous zoom. The second photo is simply exposure- and color-corrected, courtesy of my co-worker. I guess people steal photos (who knew?) so I watermarked them, which is something I've never done before. I'm pretty proud of this photo but even more pleased with the camera itself.

Click to view full size.

Click to view full size.

Woe is Me

I think I need to rename this blog: Kelly's Medical Woes.

I saw Dr. C (oculofacial surgeon) this morning for my "it's been seven weeks since your surgery" appointment. The upper eyelid stitches (which dissolved) are completely healed and the scars are completely invisible, which is somewhat surprising since I am so fair-skinned and tend to get puffy, pink scars from paper cuts or razor mishaps.

Everything else is as it should be. The feeling on the right side of my face continues to return in the form of that pins & needles feeling when your foot wakes up after having fallen asleep. It's not painful, but it's also not comfortable, and it's pretty constant. He said this could last up to a year. Oh well.

I have very minor double vision when I look as far up as I can without moving my head. Who cares? I don't, and he doesn't either, because who the heck looks all the way up without moving their head? So we're not touching that, and he continued to profess how delighted he was that I didn't have any double vision that affected my eyesight or daily living. He was quite concerned this would happen as a result of removing so much bone and fat.

He wants to wait six months before performing the upper eyelid surgery, which I do need, but he said there is still some swelling that will continue to improve over the next few months. He also doesn't want to perform any surgeries while my thyroid levels are unstable, which they continue to be. I'm just glad they behaved the week of my surgery, for the first and only time in three years. I was really hoping I could have the surgery soon, but I agree it's best to wait until all the swelling is gone and my levels are stable.

My proptosis before surgery was 23mm in the left eye, 25mm in the right eye. Both eyes are now sitting pretty at 19mm. I have no dry, only some dryness, moreso than before surgery. I can no longer wear my two-week contacts for the full two weeks…more like 10 days. I am going to inquire with my optometrist about dailies, at least for the next few months. The surgeon gave me drops but I imagine the dryness is because of the minor upper eyelid retraction.

All in all, he is pleased with his work and even more pleased with my progress and realistic outlook on my situation. He knows I'm eager to be done with surgeries and back to my pre-TED face, but he appreciates that I am educated and informed on how this whole process needs to go.

So since that's settled, I decided to call my primary care physician and focus on my newest medical woe: these tiny little invisible bumps all over my body (except my face) that feel like goosebumps. They appeared about a week ago out of nowhere. It honestly felt like I had forgotten to shave my legs, and I almost got back in the shower to shave them when I was like, "Wait, I DID shave." Now they are everywhere. Mostly my skin feels dry, tight, and occasionally itchy, but then why aren't they red? Clearly my skin is just pissed to be back in the frigid New England weather, even though the rest of my body is jumping for joy because it's no longer sweating in November. So I have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning and find out what's wrong with my poor skin. Google tells me it's keratosis pilaris (which people often refer to as "KP" - my initials), but Google Images tell me it's not, because mine aren't red at all. You can't see them at all, only feel them. Gross? Yep.

I really thought I was dying today. It turns out I was just losing my mind. I kept seeing this clumpy white stuff fall onto my pants and desk. I checked the mirror - no dandruff. My neck has been really itchy from those bumps, so then I panicked thinking every time I scratched my neck, something was coming out of me. I checked the mirror - nothing on my neck except angry red scratches. Finally I took a step back from the mirror (I'm so short that unless I'm right up against it on my tiptoes, I can only see the top of my head) and saw the source: a clump of deodorant on my sweater. I guess I got it on myself this morning while getting ready, and no one at the doctor's office or in my office bothered to point it out, probably because my hair partially covered it. Either way, I am not dying, just a sloppy klutz.

A Pain in the...Face?

It is with great pleasure that I announce that my face hurts. "But pain sucks," you say. Ah, but when you haven't been able to feel the right side of your face for the last four weeks, any amount of feeling is welcomed, including pain. I mean, it doesn't feel good and it's certainly not comfortable but last night, I started experiencing some intense tingling following by constant pain. Before, it was just shooting pains that lasted mere seconds. The pain has gotten so intense in the past 24 hours that I can't use my Sonicare toothbrush because the vibration is too painful in that particular part of my mouth/gums where I previously had no feeling.

They told me the numbness could last up to six months, so if some small part of face is healing already, that's great. Let's be clear, though: I'm still pissed Dr. C didn't tell me this was a possible side effect. However, I have forgiven him.

By the way, I promise a four-week post-op photo update later.
*Edit: I lied. I started Insanity when I got home and even though it was only the Fit Test, I was not cute afterward. You'll have to settle for a four-week-plus-one-day photo tomorrow.

Back in the Saddle

Friday night, I decided that getting back on track would start this past weekend. I planned to go to 9 a.m. yoga on Saturday, but when I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 8:59 a.m. Last week wore me out. I slept 11 hours last night. So instead, I made a healthy breakfast and some pumpkin coffee and decided that since it was 28 degrees out, I would do some yoga at home instead. I did, and by then it had warmed up, so I took the dogs outside for some fresh air. I attempted to both mow the lawn and use the leaf blower, but neither machine would start, so I opted for 15 minutes of raking a tiny little sliver of the lawn instead. I was exhausted and starving after such a small exertion, and woke up Sunday sore in my whole upper body. I guess surgery and nearly a month of no physical activity really does kick your butt. I did make it to yoga Monday night, so I want to try and go every Thursday and Monday night.

I got an email Friday night while attempting to determine why the dryer turns on and spins but won't heat up (I failed, by the way) letting me know I had been chosen to receive a scholarship to the GDATF annual conference in San Diego at the end of the month. Unfortunately, I had to pass it on but someone else will still get the opportunity to go in my stead. The scholarship covers the $260 conference fees and almost all of my meals Friday-Sunday, but not the hotel ($109/night x three nights) or the flight, which I could not find for less than $700 or without missing two days of work, and I simply can't miss any more work.

You know when you wake up and your eyes are filled with junk? Eye boogers, as I call them? Well I wake up every morning feelings like there is all this junk in my eyes. There usually is, but even after I wipe out the eye boogers, my eyes still feel full and tight as if I just opened them for the first time all morning. It's a strange feeling. I also wake up with a headache almost every morning, but I always have. I think it's more mold and allergies than eye-related, but my eye pain only makes it worse. On a positive note, I am back to wearing contacts now! I hate how I look in glasses and they were really starting to bother my ears and the bridge of my nose, so I'm happy to be a contact wearer again. It was scary putting them in for the first time in more than two weeks, but I was surprised to realize there was no discomfort. I have to go back so much further (a whole five millimeters!) to put them in and take them out, and since my eyes no longer bulge, I have to work a little harder to get them out. I used to just be able to open my eye and slide the contact right off, but now that my eyes are "normal," they don't fall out when I blink anymore. It's a good problem to have.

I decided that since my bruises are completely faded, it's not that exciting to see the change from day to day, so I will only be taking and posting photos on a weekly basis from now on. Since today is three weeks post-op, I documented what I look like both smiling and...not smiling? My eyes are not symmetrical, but that could be because of the additional swelling on the right side. Or not. Only time will tell, but either way, it'll all be corrected in a few months.

I can't seem to get rid of the congestion and nasal discharge, but I am told this is all normal after plain old sinus surgery, let alone having all kinds of stuff shoved up your nose and down your cheeks and behind your eyes, taking out lots of bone and fat from your head, and having your ethmoid sinuses taken out and put back in. In doing some online research to see what other hospitals and surgeons tell their patients, I read several warnings about not drinking through a straw after endonasal sinus surgery. Oops. I couldn't have NOT used a straw after my surgery. Nasal surgery doesn't result in a numb face and mouth, but the work that Dr. C did does, so I guess the numbness and need for a straw in order to drink trumps the risk of damaging my sinuses. I have had shooting pain through my far right lip and cheek that goes away after a few seconds, and I hope it means feeling will be returning soon.

Downward Dog with Decompressed Orbits

Today was another frustrating day at work. Then, when I got home, I had several emails letting me know I sent out a press release with a typo. I was exhausted and had the worst eye pain this morning. I debated calling in, but decided I could manage a few hours. So it doesn't really surprise me that I made a big mistake. Except when I realized I had copied and pasted the information from a co-worker, and he was the one who made the typo. That doesn't excuse my error - I still should have checked and rechecked, but today was not my day. Ugh. I almost feel bad, but then I don't, because I'm doing my best and people make mistakes.

I got a flu shot this evening. It was free from the town but I had to go to the senior center to get it. When I walked in, I was handed a piece of paper with "46" on it. I looked around and saw a bunch of old people sitting on couches and in armchairs. Forty-five of them to be exact. Once my vision cleared, I realized I wasn't the only person younger than 65, but I was definitely the youngest minus the children there with their parents. Whatever. It was for a flu shot. For free. My number was accurate, because about 46 minutes later, I was walking out protected from influenza.

I decided to go to yoga tonight. It was a gentle kripalu (like hatha) class with the owner of the studio. I adore her, and I think I'm close in age to her daughter, so we always have this moment when we see each other. The last time I went was exactly a month ago when I fell down the stairs and broke my tailbone in two places, but didn't realize it, so I went to yoga anyway. Even tonight, my butt hurt so bad when I did boat pose. I think my tailbone benefited from me being in bed for two weeks straight, but now it's time to start getting my strength and endurance back. I worried my eyes would bother me, but I took my glasses off and tried not to think about it, and it worked! I got some tissue dust in my eye so I kept rubbing it for the first few minutes, but eventually it worked itself out and I had a very good 75 minutes of peace, stretching, and relaxation. Afterward, Sheila came over and complimented me on my practice. I surprised myself. I thought I would be rusty about a month without yoga, but it's like riding a bike, but even easier to pick up where you left off. I showed Sheila what is left of my bruises (tiny pink lines) and answered her questions about thyroid eye disease and my surgery. She knew about my Graves, but we had never talked about my eyes before. It's funny, anyone who knows about Graves or TED, or is in the health care profession, would take one look at me and know I had Graves. Everyone else who didn't know me before TED would just think I had big eyes. So who knows what Sheila knew or thought, but she seemed happy to see me and I was so happy to be back in the studio.

Tomorrow I can start wearing my contacts again, but I don't really want to fight with my eyes in the morning before work, so I probably won't try until after work or even over the weekend. It's been a long time since my eyes weren't irritated by the TED, and I don't want to get discouraged in case they are still irritated from the surgery. My corneas themselves don't hurt, but I also have barely touched my eyes except to do the massaging of my lower lids and to put ice on them, so who knows how they'll react to foreign objects. Juls is looking into Lasik later this month, and it's something I'd like to have a consultation on eventually, too.

Kelly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I forgot to eat breakfast this morning. This is what happens when I've been out of a routine for two weeks. I have been eating breakfast at home for two weeks, but usually I eat breakfast at work on weekdays. If I eat before work, I'm starving already by the time I get to my desk, so normally I heat up some oatmeal in the office or stop and get a bagel on the way. Today, I packed myself oatmeal and even remembered a spoon and a bowl, but somehow never remembered to heat it up or eat it. I also brought a mug of coffee to work, but forgot I straw so I walked over to the Starbucks in the dining hall to steal a straw, and I guess the coffee suppressed my appetite enough that I didn't realize how hungry I was until my stomach started growling around 9:30. Finally at 10:30 I grabbed my yogurt from the fridge and when I went to get my spoon from my lunch bag, I saw the oatmeal and realized why I was so hungry. I'm hopeless...

I think I was distracted by a slight crisis at work. I rushed to make sure I got a bunch of huge projects done before I left on the Monday before my surgery, and by huge, I mean literally huge. Billboard huge. Not only did the printing company screw up, but so did the billboard company. And no one bothered to call or email me to let me know, let alone try to contact someone else in the office. So here it is, 10 days in the month, and our billboards from September are still up, instead of the new ones for October that we paid a pretty penny for. Lovely. Fortunately, I did nothing wrong and have emails to prove it, but it's still frustrating to return to 2,379 issues when I'm not 100% yet.

When I got home from work, I spent like 10 minutes staring at the mirror. For some reason, I'm not happy with my eyes today. They look too close together. My face is fat, from both swelling, the steroids, and just being overweight. I guess I was expecting a miracle in the form of looking exactly the way I did before Graves. Except I was like 30 pounds lighter and tanner and younger. And my left eye looks bigger now, when for the last two years, I've been getting used to my right eye being bigger. I think I'm just having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (for no reason) and I'm being hard on myself. I think Drs. C and S would cry if they knew I was bashing their hard work, but something just doesn't look right today. Then again, I'm dizzy as all get-out, so maybe I'm not seeing correctly. I still can't wear makeup, and my eyelashes are actually really obnoxiously long but also blond, so when I wear mascara, it completely changes the way my eyes look. I think they look much better with mascara, but who knows if that'll still be the case. I never worried much about mascara before Graves.

So what did I eat for lunch? McDonalds. I was starving and cranky and just wanted to be able to get home and take a nap. I'm going to call my primary care doctor and see about getting in to see a nutritionist or dietitian. I know what to eat and what not to eat, but there's something in my head telling me I deserve ice cream or something greasy. I don't have the funds to reward myself with nice things so I reward myself with food, and I've never been that like until the past year or so.

After my afternoon-nap-turned-evening-coma, I realized someone put my laundry in the dryer. With a dryer sheet. Half my things I either don't dry in the dryer, and even if I do, I never use dryer sheets anymore. Not only do they ruin the dryer, they ruin your clothes. And you shouldn't use fabric softener/dryer sheets on towels, otherwise your towels won't be as absorbent. So that annoyed me. It shouldn't have been that big of a deal, but when you add it to the rest of my  Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, it really set me off.

Fortunately, my Junior League conference call was without incident. As recording secretary, I take the minutes, so I have to try and stay focused, which is so hard on a conference call when the interwebs is calling my name. It lasted 45 minutes and I was so tired. So tired that I am going to bed "early" tonight. I don't know what it is, but I've had a hard time going to be "on time" this week. Tonight will not be an issue.

Back to the Grind

I wrote this yesterday but forgot to post:

Today is the last day of my time off from work for surgery, and I am honestly dreading going back tomorrow but also very ready to get back into a routine. I've had nothing to do and nowhere to be so I haven't felt guilty about sleeping till 10 or 11 a.m. and laying around all day and maybe showering and hardly leaving my bed let alone the house. And I've needed it. But I also thrive when I'm on a schedule and in a routine, so it'll be nice to have a little more structure, even if I'm only working half-days for a week or two or possibly even longer.

I didn't end up doing much of anything yesterday, except a big exciting trip to the grocery store. It was well after noon before I finally gathered enough motivation, and I still didn't feel like seeing anyone, so I did my best to disguise myself with my glasses and a baseball cap. I took a long afternoon nap but for some reason, could not fall asleep last night. Maybe it was a little anxiety and a little bit of having enough sleep, but I watched A&E till midnight. Hoarders and addicts are so disturbing, yet so entertaining.

This morning was my final post-op appointment. I've had four in two weeks, so I'm glad to be done with doctors appointments for a while. I saw Dr. S. He noted that I was without my bodyguard, and I informed him that yes, I am now driving on my own. I also told him I was headed to work after the appointment, and he was glad to hear that I'm getting back to my life. I'm getting used to physicians dictating their notes while I'm in the room. At first, I thought it was awkward because they kind of look at you when making a comment about swelling or something, but I know from working in health care that this is just another step toward making health care safer. If he mentioned something about North Adams or IBS (like my primary care physician did - she thought I had IBS instead of GERD, an ulcer, and gastroparesis), I would hear him and be able to immediately correct him. Anyway, his notes included my improved appearance and the reduced swelling. He then sprayed my nostrils with lidocaine and proceeded to have a look using some sharp scope, or maybe it only felt sharp because the insides of my nose are still really sensitive. All of the crusty, bloody junk is gone, and he said it's perfectly normal that I still pass at least one clot while rinsing with my NetiPot. He also told me I must continue to use distilled or previously boiled water with my NetiPot. I didn't think this was such a big deal for a healthy person - I knew enough to ask Dad to get me a gallon of distilled water when Dr. S gave me the OK to start rinsing - but Dr. S says never to use tap water or even filtered water. Alrighty then. I only have to do this 3-4 times a week now instead of twice daily. I'll admit it makes me feel so much better but it's like using nasal spray - you don't want your body to start relying on it.

He did see that there is some scar tissue up the left nostril. I guess there is some part of your nose anatomy that should be inside the nasal cavity and mine are mostly outside because my nose is so small and narrow? I really forget what language he used even though I asked him to repeat himself twice. Anyway, he said that's why there's extra scar tissue but that it shouldn't cause any issues. Apparently I have a deviated septum on both sides, and that explains why I have had a runny nose for years, and this is something for future consideration. I wouldn't even consider having an elective procedure any time in the next year, given that I know I'll need at least one additional surgery on my eyes.

I see both Dr. C and Dr. S in six weeks (separate appointments, of course). I am getting a flu shot on Thursday so that I can hopefully avoid any additional sick days this year. My endocrinologist in Florida didn't let me get a flu shot the last two years because my Graves was not adequately controlled and he was in the 50% of endocrinologists who believe a flu shot's risks outweigh the benefits in patients with severe Graves. I always had a flu shot in years past because of working in health care, and I do recall getting pretty sick not this past winter but the winter before, so I think I will benefit this year.

Speaking of winter, I literally slept through the transition from summer weather to fall weather. Fall officially began the weekend before my surgery, but it was still really warm. Since I hardly recall anything between September 26 and October 1, I was amazed last Thursday while riding home from my post-op with Dr. C to see that all the trees in our neighborhood were beginning to lose their leaves, all in vibrant shades of red, orange, and yellow. It's gorgeous, and I'm blessed to be able to experience what thousands of people drive to New England to see. And as almost everyone knows, I hate the heat. I always liked New England weather but at first, I loved Florida's "winters" and 11-month summers. Then, I got sick, and with my Graves came my extreme heat intolerance. I literally sweat walking from my car to the grocery store in the winter, so we won't even get into the months of upper 80s and 90s. The heat actually had a lot to do with me moving back to Massachusetts, where it has been anything but warm lately. I actually turned my heat on for a little while this morning while I was getting ready. Anyway, if it's ever nice again (read: sunny and not rainy), I will take some photos of our gorgeous fall foliage.

Work today was OK. I spent the first 30 minutes getting the lowdown from my co-worker K. I missed all sorts of drama and disappointing news about raises (or lack there of) and increased responsibilities. It's so disheartening. I spent the rest of the day going through 400+ emails, most of which were deleted, and then I just tried to tackle the most pressing issues. My eyes were so tired by noon (I got in at 10) and my back was aching by 1. I guess I haven't sat upright very often in the past two weeks, and to make matters worse, my feet don't reach the floor at work so I sit with poor posture. If I didn't, my feet wouldn't be able to hold steady on the floor and my rolly chair would roll me right out of my office door and down the stairs, because our office is an old house with horribly uneven floors. So my back gets screwed. Boss and D returned from a meeting around noon and so I went downstairs to greet them. Boss was floored by how good she kept saying I looked. I guess she was expecting my description of how I looked when we spoke last week. I showed everyone my Days 1-13 photos, and they couldn't believe how quickly the bruises faded and the bloody eye healed. I don't think it was quick at all - it's been a LONG two weeks - but the worst is behind me and I'm so so so happy with the results.

28 Years Old

Today is my birthday and I knew I wouldn't be feeling up to much. I woke up later than I planned this morning but still managed to be ready in time for Juls to pick me up at 11. She got me a nice bouquet of flowers and we went and got manis and pedis. I didn't get any weird stares (that I noticed) and my glasses cover almost my entire bruises, so I was glad for that. Afterward, I was so wiped out I took an almost-three-hour nap.

Mom and I agreed the tickets to the gymnastics tour we're going to in November would be my gift, but she's devilish and mailed something extra that will probably arrive on Tuesday. Dad gave me a gift certificate for an afternoon at the spa and a brand spanking new digital scale like I wanted. Brother bear got me a bottle of sauvignon blanc I hadn't heard of (a feat in itself) that I can't wait to crack open. The three of us went to Plan B Burger for dinner and I enjoyed two delicious glasses of wine, but they only made my head hurt worse. Either way, I've been off the painkillers since Wednesday so I felt I deserved the wine, and I enjoyed them nonetheless. I had an amazing burger on a pretzel roll and we got dessert to go (a fancy spin on a Drake's Funny Bone) even though Dad had a Carvel cake waiting at home - we had both!

The best gift of all? Yesterday's win! I had prepared myself for a loss and wasn't even going to get all bummed out about it, so thank you to my boys of ol' Florida for that nice little win over LSU.

My bruises are so small and hardly noticeable now, but the pain and pressure hasn't taken a hike like I hoped it would. I am sneezing more regularly now and I just hope I'm not getting a cold. I am exhausted, thanks in part to wine and all the good food and dessert, and I am going to put my 28-year-old self to bed before 10 p.m. tonight even though tomorrow is a work holiday and I have a whole 'nother day to mentally prepare myself to go back to work. Physically I know I'm not ready but I've got to start somewhere, and four hours should be manageable. If not, I'll go home when my body is done for the day.

Florida Football Saturday

After a 13-day hiatus (also known as a bye week), my beloved Gators are back in action this afternoon against LSU. It's exactly noon as I start typing this, so that means college football is now on TV. Thank goodness, my eyes are strong enough to watch TV with my glasses now, so I will actually be able to follow the game both visually and audibly.

My plan today was to go to the grocery store and Target, but I've been dizzy since I woke up. Well, I can't really remember if I woke up dizzy or it started about 30 minutes after I woke up when I had a few sips of my Dunkin Donuts pumpkin coffee (thanks Dad!). All I know is that I had maybe three gulps of coffee when I realized how dizzy I was. It's been pretty bothersome lately, especially for the first few hours I'm awake, so tomorrow I will avoid caffeine to see if that's the problem. What's a birthday without coffee, you ask? I have no idea, but it sounds awful. However, vertigo is awful, too.

I look no different today than I did yesterday, except my bruises are a tiny bit smaller and lighter, and I actually showered, blow-dried, and straightened my hair because I thought I was going to venture out today. Now I don't even think I can do a 10-minute gentle yoga session in my bedroom.

If you've been following along daily, you'll notice my right eyebrow has been gradually becoming more of an eyebrow shape rather than flat like the left one. I have no idea what's going on, other than maybe swelling or the opposite - reduced swelling? My eyebrows have never been the same exact shape, but they're becoming more and more noticeably different.

On a positive note, I've lost somewhere between five and 10 pounds since my surgery. I can't really pin down the exact amount because my bathroom scale varies based on how you distribute your weight. I think I need to invest in a new one that actually works since I no longer belong to a gym where I can weigh myself, and we have no awesome scales at our grocery stores on which you can weigh yourself, your entire grocery purchase, or even your luggage...like Publix has. At first, I attributed to the weight loss (10 pounds in the first week after surgery) to the fact that I couldn't keep anything down, and when I could, my daily intake consisted of two mini muffins for breakfast, some crackers and soup for lunch, and a few bites of whatever was for dinner. Now that I'm eating pretty normal, I can't blame (or credit?) my lack of appetite anymore. I think I am less hungry because I'm burning a lot fewer calories than I normally would, but also because I've had normal thyroid levels for a little more than a month now, and I had been hypothyroid for more than a year before than, and we won't even talk about the two years prior to that where I was all over the place, both on the thyroid scale and the bathroom scale.

I meant to ask Dr. C how much bone and fat they actually removed, in weight, but I forgot. I'm sure the hospital keeps record of that, and since I'll be requesting my surgery notes (for fun/personal research, not for suing anyone), I hope I can find out. Not that I think that makes any difference in how much I weigh, but I just wonder how much crap they had to get rid of to get me back to normal. The fat wasn't that type of fat - it's actually really excess tissue that was caused by my Graves antibodies, but in order to really get back to this, I need to lose a good amount of weight. That'll be a lot easier now that my thyroid levels are normal and now that I'm not ashamed (well, OK, I won't be once the bruises fade) to go out in public without sunglasses. Maybe I will actually join a cheap gym or at least start going to yoga more regularly. I can't wait to get back on my bike. I figure I have at least another month and a half before it's just too cold and/or snowy for my 10+ mile rides, and even then I am considering buying a trainer so I can ride indoors, but that doesn't sound very fun. That's where a gym with a spin class would come in handy. We'll see...

For now, I just need to lay down. I'm sure staring at my computer screen doesn't help with the dizziness. I wonder how I'm going to do it for four hours straight every day next week.

Achoo

One of the few things I remember while either laying or sitting in the hospital after my surgery, waiting to go home, was being told not to suppress any sneezes or coughs. I tend to hold my sneezes in, so I took this warning seriously. Because my sinuses got all shoved around, holding in a sneeze could seriously mess me up. I distinctly remember being told to "cough and sneeze all over everyone." I've had a persistent cough since the surgery, but I haven't sneezed yet.

Until now. I felt one coming about an hour ago, but as soon as I took off my glasses and grabbed a tissue in preparation, it went away. Then, and I was snuggling with Rags, I felt another one coming. This time, I let it rip and sneezed all over my poor dog. It didn't hurt, but I felt a little pop - like when your eyes pop from the pressure - in my right cheek, where it's totally numb. It was strange, but I am happy to report that I survived my first sneeze in 11 days.

Post-op Day 11

Great. Just great. I fell asleep for several hours this afternoon, and when I woke up, I had a voicemail from the HR office at work. They were letting me know that they never received the letter I asked Dr. C's office to fax over yesterday saying I'm allowed to go back to work next week and I can't return without it but it's OK because I can just bring a copy with me on Tuesday. Yeah, well I don't have a copy. It was dictated and I just assumed someone would print it out and fax it over within the 24-hour window...guess not. And since Monday is a holiday and Dr. C isn't in on Tuesdays, if they forgot to print it out and have him sign it this week then there's no chance of getting a copy on Tuesday. Lovely. Well, OK, let's be honest - another day off wouldn't hurt. But I'm already mentally preparing myself for Tuesday and I hate when my plans get screwed up. If I show up and work my four hours, they can't refuse to pay me simply because I didn't get a copy of the letter till Wednesday, right? Right. That's what I'll do then.

Well, now that that's settled. Day 11 has been brutal. I'm in a lot of pain again and it's a new pain - my left eyeball. I massage my lower lids probably way more than I need to, but I realized how freaking stiff the right one is, so I don't want to end up with scar tissue. However, that can't have anything to do with pain in my left eyeball. And just a general head and face ache, but that's nothing new.

What's new is the tingling in the middle of my upper lip. New because I couldn't feel it for 10 days, so I hope this means some feeling is starting to return. Really, I can handle the numbness in my cheek for a little while longer, but I refuse to eat out in public until I have feeling in my lip and the skin below my nose again, because otherwise I end up with food around my mouth that I can't feel, or worse - I dribble while I eat. So embarrassing  and once the scars fade, I won't have any obvious visible excuse as to why I look like a complete ass when I eat or drink (without a straw - as long as I use a straw, I'm fine).

When I woke up this morning, I realized I had nothing to eat. No eggs, no oatmeal, no cereal, not even any bread, nothing. So I went to McDonald's for a bagel and a coffee. I really wanted Dunkin Donuts but the closest one doesn't have a drive-through and it wasn't sunny so I couldn't justify sunglasses inside and also the girl who works there is kind of a b*tch most days and would assume I was being rude or something. And I didn't feel up to driving several miles to get to the one with the drive-through, so McDonald's it was. McDonald's is two streets over, probably not even half a mile. I felt scared the whole drive. I have complete peripheral vision, but instead of being able to look out of the corner of my eyes, I need to turn my head since my eye muscles are still weak, and that resulted in looking both ways roughly 11 times before feeling safe to turn left. So I don't think I'm going to driving long distances any time soon. I just hope I can get to the grocery store and Target this weekend. I need a new hair straightener and I have almost nothing left to eat, and I still can't really eat anything hard or crunchy because of my painful teeth.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I saw Dr. C today, who was a sweetheart as always. He measured my eyes. Before surgery, my right eye was 25mm protruded and my left eye was 23mm. Today, even with the swelling, they are both even at 20mm (the average for most people). He said everything looks very good, and my bruises continue to fade every day as the pain decreases little by little. I asked about taking something stronger than ibuprofen and Tylenol, but the only thing he suggested was Ultram (tramadol) - a narcotic slightly weaker than Percocet. I declined. I don't want any more narcotics in my system. Yes, they work, but I hate the way I feel on them. I consider myself strong so I really want to get through this pain without any more hardcore drugs.

I am cleared to return to work on Tuesday (Monday is still a holiday for us New Englanders) on a part-time basis. Four hours will probably seem like eight at first, since I have yet to be awake for eight hours straight since before my surgery, and can't look at my computer for more than an hour without my eyes getting really tired and achy, but Dr. C said that is normal. He sent a letter over to the HR office at work telling them as much. It'll be like my original work schedule when I started, which was 8:30-12:30. Of course, I have an appointment with Dr. S first thing Tuesday morning, so I will have to adjust my schedule a bit that day, but it'll be nice to be back in a routine. I like routine.

They snipped the ends of the stitch on my left eye, and all that is left is the suture and - surprise, surprise - a scab that only I could've caused. I'm to leave that alone, and start massaging my lower eyelids up since they are still pretty stiff. I've done this massage thing a few times already, and it feels very strange, yet also feels good. My right lower lid is much more stiff than the left, as everything on the right side required significantly more work, hence why that eye hurts more and tires more quickly.

When I mentioned to Dr. C that I've been documenting this process and taking a photo every day, he said, "Oh that's great. The lawyers love that." I told him to shush, but he said in all seriousness, some patients really like hearing from other patients. I couldn't agree more, which is why I am so involved with GDATF. If I wasn't, I might have been too nervous or thought my thyroid eye disease was too mild to require surgery. And even if I did decide to have the surgery, I might not have been so helped by other patients who've undergone orbital decompression. He asked if I would be willing to speak to other patients who are deciding whether or not to have the surgery, and I said absolutely. This blog is public and anyone can find it via a simple search, but I think the details might be too much for someone who knows who Dr. C and/or Dr. S are, or who want to know what to expect without all the horrifying photos.

I finally broke down and had coffee today. It has been rainy, dark and dreary all week, and we were leaving my appointment when I realized Starbucks was "sort of" on the way home. So we went. Big mistake. It took forever to order and even longer to get my Salted Caramel Mocha and Everything Bagel. I felt like an a-hole since Dad was supposed to be getting back to work, but I had no idea it would take so freaking long. However, in the end, it was totally worth my time (not sure about his) and $0.87. I had my free birthday drink coupon and when I asked Dad to fish around my coin bucket in the dashboard, which has probably $10 in change, he got lazy and pulled a $1 from his pocket and only felt like digging around for 87 cents. Anyway, it was so good to have caffeine again. I feel drunk. I'm a little dizzy and definitely shaky but it has already benefited my digestive track and at least now I know my body is ready to handle my favorite drug - caffeine - again.

I haven't been smiling for my photos because A. at first, I couldn't smile, nor did I want to and B. the idea is to look at my eyes as normal as they can be, and when I smile, I squint (as do most people). However, my ability to smile is returning, but my face is so swollen that it's hard and my chipmunk cheeks are at an all-time high. But when I try to smile with my mouth closed, the right side is pretty dead, so I end up with this McKayla Maroney Is Not Impressed smirk. See evidence:

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Today my eyes are quite sensitive. I have not been able to cope with the lights on, but fortunately it is a dark and gloomy day. I tried putting on my glasses and watching TV, but it made me feel nauseated. I guess I will lay here and listen to yet another audiobook. Other than that and sleeping, there isn't any productive for me to do yet.

I did speak to HR at work, and they said all they need at this point is a letter from my surgeon tomorrow indicating I had surgery on 9/25 and expect to miss another X days of work. Hopefully not too many, but I also realize going back to eight-hour days right away is unrealistic. My eyes tire after such a short time that I think I will need to do half-days at first. But then again, I may feel like a million bucks next week!

My bruises are quickly fading, but as they do, it seems the feeling returns and I feel the pain where the bruises are. Up until now, that area under my eyes has been totally numb and I was OK with that part of my face being numb (just not my lips and nose). Now that I can feel there again, it's very tender and also a tricky spot to try and ice, so I've decided to just lay gel packs on each side of my face and try and gently smush it down where it hurts the most. So far, I've failed miserably.

I knew I had stitches on each upper eyelid - that's where Dr. C went in to remove some fat from behind my eyes to make more room for them to fall back. I also knew they were still in as of my first post-op appointment with Dr. C, and that I have another appointment with him tomorrow morning, so I came to the conclusion that the stitches were coming out at that appointment tomorrow. I've been looking forward to it, because the stitches have been collecting crust and tissue dust and then I have to use tweezers to yank the crud out (pretty sure I'm not supposed to be doing that) and they even got itchy for a few days, which I assume meant the cuts were healing and ready for the stitches to come out. Today, I went to feel the stitches and they were...gone. I forgot it's 2012 and stitches can be dissolvable now, so I'm assuming that's what I got. I still feel a tiny piece of them on my left eye, and I guess maybe those haven't completely dissolved yet because that eye has always been exposed...? I was too sick and hysterical last time I saw Dr. C to ask about the stitches.

Today overall felt as if I took one step forward and two steps back. Monday and Tuesday were really good days in comparison to the previous six, but I think I might have gotten ahead of myself. My appointment is early tomorrow (9:45 is early when you've been sleeping till 11 every day for 10 days) so I'm probably going to bed shortly. I am still completely frustrated with the numbness in my face and pain in my upper teeth, and knowing it could be a month or two before that comes back really pisses me off, but the other side effect was double vision for three months that could only be corrected with an additional surgery, so I guess I should stop complaining now.

The Way to my Heart...

...is definitely with food. Annie knows this all too well after nearly 23 years. I took one of my coma-like naps again today (I can take these even when I'm not recovering from major surgery) and dreamed I heard Rags being attacked. He was crying and yelping and I could hear a man's voice.

Turns out it wasn't a dream but my dad coming in the front door and Rags going bananas with excitement. I dragged myself out of bed to inquire as to why he had used the front door. "Because there was a delivery truck here." Oh, ok. I knew he was planning to buy a new dishwasher so I started back toward my bed when he thrust a giant bouquet to me and said, "This is for you. It's one of those 'arrangements.'"

And boy, was it. It was the most beautiful thing I'd seen in at least a week - strawberries and grapes and melon and, the best part, pineapples covered in dark and white chocolate and sprinkles to look like cupcakes. "Love, Annie & Ryan" said the card. I haven't been able to eat fruit or anything else large or crunchy because of my dead upper lip and still-throbbing upper teeth, but these are all cute and shaped and actually edible. Not to mention dotted with chocolate.

I put one of my frozen meals in the crockpot today but it's now 6 p.m. and my stomach still hurts a bit from gorging myself on the edible arrangement.

On a somewhat related note, I called Dr. C today, concerned about the fact that the entire white of my left eye is now bloody and yellow. And constantly "watering" (I use quotation marks because I'm really sure what is coming out of my eye but it's clear and wet). Dr. C operates on Tuesdays, so he wasn't in the office but I talked to my new bff Kathleen, his surgical coordinator with whom I have become quite close because of the process it took to finally get my surgery booked and then my 87 calls about the surgery itself and then my lack of composure at my post-op last week... Anyway, I explained the eye to Kathleen and she asked me to take a picture and text it to her. When she responded with, "I'm sending this to doctor. I'll let you know what he says," that didn't leave me feeling too reassured. My dad didn't like the look of it either. Heck, do you?

In the end, Dr. C said the yellow bloodiness was pretty normal. This was the eye that has been exposed the entire time - not the one that was covered for the first 48 hours. It still looks the same as it did earlier, and in fact, my right eye hurts worse. But I am able to look around a little more than I could yesterday, and I bet tomorrow I will be able to look around even a little more than today.

I leave you with today's photo. I'm so pasty white that this literally looks like a Halloween costume/zombie mask if you glance at it quickly or from the other side of the room. Pretty!

My Orbital Decompression Journey: Week One

Well it's been six days exactly since my bilateral orbital decompression. I thought I would be able to post an update much sooner, but it has been the most physically difficult week of my life.

Day One:

The morning in pre-op was uneventful, for the most part. I did learn that they have been using the same manilla folder for my medical records that they have used since October 7, 1984 because I was originally called Baby Girl P. I was ravenous and thirsty by the time I got into my pretty little hospital gown and socks, but the anxiety and anticipation soon took over. Both of my surgeons came in, the ENT surgeon (Dr. S) giving us a little heart attack when he asked if I brought my disc. "Disc?" my dad and I both asked as we looked at each other. "Yeah, of the CT you had done up in North Adams...?" Ummm, North Adams is like an hour from here and I wouldn't go there unless my life depended on it. He quickly realized he was thinking of another patient, but that made both my dad and me very nervous that he had mistaken his patient in the first 3 seconds of seeing me. Eventually I got some Zofran (anti-nausea) and saline via my IV, and they said I would start to feel dizzy. I didn't until it came time for Dad to say goodbye and me to put on my sexy hairnet. Then I got dizzy, but I still remember giving the anesthesiologist and nurses a hard time as I fell asleep. Only me...

Surgery was supposed to take 90-120 minutes. It took three full hours. Apparently having a skinny nose (my nose's only redeeming quality) is not a good thing when you're having endonasal surgery. When I woke up, the pain was instantly apparent. I remember asking for Dad right away, but they said I needed to fully wake up first. I don't think that happened until today. Anyway, he came in a short while later. My right eye was patched so I could only open my left eye, and only barely. Everything was blurry and the light was really bothering me, so I kept it closed except when the nurses were like, "If you want to go home, you have to pee and if you want to pee, you have to open that eye." I dropped my pants without any further prompting and peed like a good patient, and thought that meant we could leave now. Nope...

They left me in the wheelchair next to the bed while the nurse got all the final discharge instructions, removed my IV, iced my eye, told my dad how to keep my alive, yammering on and on and on. There is no head or neck support on these wheelchairs, and every time I started to fall asleep, my head would suddenly roll forward or backward and blood would begin to gush out of my nose, prompting the (probably nice, but presently on my shit list) nurse to scold me and tell me to sit upright. I was so exhausted, at one point, Dad put his hand behind my head so I could doze off. Then she made him go get my prescriptions and the car, and I'm pretty sure I gave her an attitude the whole time. The pain medicine - Fentanyl - made me break out in a rash, but I told them Percocet makes me itchy too. I think they gave me some Benadryl but I'm not sure. I was extremely nauseated and it took a while to convince them I needed apple juice. They let me have about one-and-a-half sips before I started gagging and threatening to vomit.

The ride home was miserable. Springfield has some of the worst roads and highways, and I felt every little bump. I don't remember what time we got home but I do remember being very hungry. A team effort by my dad and brother resulted in a small bowl of soup that I took three sips of then decided I was full. I fell asleep shortly after, only to wake up in the middle of the night and puke it all up. I didn't even make it to the toilet. Fortunately, that would be the only time I projectile-vomited across the entire bathroom (floor, door, sink, scale...everywhere). A few minutes later, this time armed with a bowl, I puked up the four glasses or so of water I had drunk. After that, my dad decided I had to sleep with my door open so he could hear me if I got sick again. By this point, that was probably a good decision since I was too tired to move and probably would've choked on it. But alas, I didn't get sick again.

Attempting to smile.

Nor did I eat much. Wednesday morning, I had two mini muffins from the batch I made during my starvation exercises the previous morning. I couldn't taste them, and my face was (and still is) numb between my eyes and upper lips/teeth, so I couldn't really feel where or what I was biting. I have bitten my lip several times. The nausea promptly returned, fueled by the anesthesia and narcotics. I had two missed called from my eye surgeon (Dr. C) who is an orthodox Jew, and since it was Yom Kippur, he was probably risking it by calling me during the holy day. He is such a nice guy.

Wendesday was a blur. My dad would come in every hour or so to give me a different pills or eye ointment. He called both surgeons at one point because I was refusing to eat because of the nausea, but I needed to eat or else the painkillers would make it worse, and Lord did I need those painkillers. Someone at Dr. S's office told my dad the only thing that would help was ginger ale. My dad told her I have had soda probably five times in my life, and every time, it has made me sick, so he would not give me something I don't want/like that was going to make me sick. I think a small yelling match ensued. In the end, time was the only thing that would help my appetite return.

Thursday at lunchtime (for normal people who eat and don't take painkillers and sleep 23 hours a day), we went to see Dr. C for my post-op appointment. I was miserable. I was crying, irritable, and nauseated from the car ride. They took the patch off, and that's when I realized the pain on that eye was from the stitches - my eye was stitched shut! Apparently they normally stitch both eyes shut but they thought this would be too traumatic for me since I was so scared of waking up blind. Removing the stitches was so painful and I think half of his staff was in there trying to soothe me. But once they were out, it felt immediately better. They let me sit in the dark for a while so my eye could adjust to light for the first time in 48 hours. Even my left eye would only open for a few seconds at a time and both eyes could only look straight ahead, but we quickly realized that I had no double vision. I beat the 50/50 odds and retained my single vision, thank the heavens. Dr. C was so happy he said, "If it was appropriate, I would kiss you right now." I love him. Dad and Dr. C agreed that you could see an immediate diffidence in my eyes. They held up my pre-op photo to my face and like a 7-year-old I said, "I wanna see!" so he got a mirror and took a new photo of me. I lied and said I could see the difference but in all honestly, I could look at the photos long enough to see anything, and I couldn't see past all the blood and busing and swelling. I kept thinking I was going to be sick, so I was happy to just go home and go back to bed.

Days Four, Five and Six:
Completely uneventful. I was glad not to have to miss any Gator Football on Saturday (it was our bye week), because there was no way I could deal with the sounds of the TV, let alone the screen. I did listen to an audiobook, "Can You Keep a Secret?" by Sophie Kinsella, over the weekend. I purposely picked it because her books are so stupid and light that I knew it wouldn't be hard to follow along even if I passed out for a few chapters. Saturday evening, when I realized I was about the take the last of my Percocet, my dad called Dr. C. He came into my room a little while later and said, "I am just the messenger..." and I knew exactly what was coming. Dr. C said no refills. I needed to wean myself off the narcotics and switch to Motrin and Aleeve. Well, Dr. C didn't know that I still have Percocet left from my tailbone fracture, so I've been taking one every six hours instead of two every four hours, and I am also taking over-the-counter NSAIDs to help with the inflammation.

Today I turned a corner. I got myself up at 6:30 to have some breakfast. Actually, that wasn't all that hard because I didn't sleep a wink last night, just tossed and turned. I finally dozed after breakfast and actually took a shower (well OK, I sat in the tub and "showered") and threw all my scrubby clothes in the wash. I was actually dressed with blow-dryed hair when my dad got home to take me to see Dr. S. After waiting almost an hour, he finally came in, numbed my nose, and used the equivalent of a power washer on both of my nostrils to clean out all the dried blood and mucus. It hurt like a b*tch but also felt a lot better afterward. I expected a lot more relief, but it turns out most of my discomfort around my nose and eyes is actually the inflammation and numbness, and combined those two feelings are so uncomfortable. He forced me to look in all directions, and I hated him for it. Looking left especially hurts, and I was just pleased with the progress of being able to keep my eyes open for any period of time. He will see me back in one week to clean out my nose again, but I was given permission to blow my nose, use the NetiPot twice a daily and Afrin twice a day. I got a few clots out with the NetiPot and now my nose is just a leaky faucet (of boogers, don't worry, no blood), but at least I can (gently) blow it now.

I sat outside for an hour eating my lunch and just dozing, then came inside and napped for almost four hours. I talked to my boss, who was also out all last week but for her son-in-law's wedding and now she is out with a cold. She asked that I let her know when I'm ready for a visitor, and I told her there is no way I am coming back to work tomorrow as originally planned. In fact, I won't attempt to go back all week, and Monday is a holiday, so maaaaybe next week, but it's way too soon to tell. I see Dr. C on Thursday to remove the eyelid stitches and hopefully plan out a more definitive timeline.

I am still not ready to check Facebook or emails, so if you want to reach me, calling is the best way. My phone is on silent whenever I'm sleeping, but at least now I can see my screen to see who has called, so don't think you're bothering me. My mom sent up some very pretty flowers since she wasn't able to come up at all given her own health issues, and they are in desperate need of watering. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than a glass of water, so it's up to the men in my house to constantly refill my humidifier, empty my ever-overflowing trash, and water the flowers. Thus, the poor flowers have taken a backseat.

Keep in mind my eyelids are stitched and my lids will come down a little once the stitches and removed and as the swelling comes down, but I will still probably need an additional surgery to lower my upper eyelids and remove the excess fat that Graves deposited below my eyebrows. Baby steps...